The Solstice Present

by Alan Dewar, Bob Dewar, David Dewar, Jeff Dewar, Cindy Fleming, Mary Lou Dewar and Kristina Brown

"Ho, ho, ho!" exclaimed Ted. "Merry Solstice!" It was the age of political correctness, and the Pagans had reclaimed the year-end holiday for themselves. The presents in Ted's sack were a clear indication of this.

For example, there was a version of the Holy Book translated into Klingon and Mandarin Orange (a special new language aimed at vegetables and fruits). But also in the pack were the following nasty items...

First: a not uncut version of the most brilliant and inspiring teleplay of all time, edited and mangled into a painfully stupid incarnation of worthlessness. Second: a Holy Bible from which had been snipped many little segments deemed "expendable" (naturally, those recognized as most important by people who care) to make room for Heavenly Spa and Jesusburger coupons.

Third, and most horrid of all: a stuffed turkey. You're probably wondering how turkey's "horrid." Well, it was supposed to be a turkey doll, and having a cooked turkey filled with stuffing in among all of that other junk -- I mean, those other gifts -- caused something vile to be born.

Ted was stumped. How could he distribute these gifts (vile as whey were) evenly and fairly to the orphans? He knew the spa and burger coupons would be the most desired. His heart broke in empathy for the unfortunate little soul who ended up with the turkey.

But, fortunately for the little guy, that turkey somehow metamorphosed into a giant goose that laid golden eggs. Timmy (the littlest guy) ran home to show his mother what he had received. She, however, was really upset because you can't eat golden eggs. What would she do for Christmas dinner? Well...

She took the golden eggs to the market, but all she could find there was a tiger that could recite the complete works of Shakespeare flawlessly. On her way home with the tiger she came across a little old man with a bucket full of worms. The man happened to love Shakespeare and gladly traded the worms for the tiger. Later that day, she and Timmy went fishing in the nearby lake and had a wonderful Christmas dinner of tires and old boot!

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