'Hippo' Hilda

by Jeff Dewar, Mary Lou Dewar, Alan Dewar, Bob Dewar, Louis Zimmerman, Bonnie Liesemer and David Dewar

"For the last time," exclaimed Theodore, "everything makes you look fat, because you are fat!"
"All right," replied 'Hippo' Hilda, "but this battle armor makes me look less fat, right?"

"Well, not really. Any time you add a layer you're going to look a layer fatter. But how about this -- why not go to that new clinic in Kensington. They guarantee a svelte figure after just one treatment. And I'll even pay for it."
Hilda was

simultaneously flabbergasted and intrigued. The mere suggestion that she should seek professional help was offensive, but the idea of near-instant sveltification was very appealing. Thus, she set aside her pride and proceeded, in full battle armor, to the Kensington clinic. The reaction of the staff upon her arrival, unfortunately, was quite different from what she had expected.

The journey to the clinic was very long and walking with all that armor on when it was so hot out made her lose 14 kilos. So upon arrival, and removal of said armor, she was really quite skinny. The clinic staff all said, "Go away, you skeleton -- you are bad for business." So poor Hilda went off to McDonald's and ate four

employees. This really didn't make her feel any better about herself, however. She wandered ... I mean clanked ... off to a local park and stretched out on a bench. Soon she slept, but her dreams... She was surrounded by cops ... overhead, a police helicopter, and a familiar voice... "So let me get this straight. You wanted to lose weight, but when you lost the weight you weren't comfortable. So you ate a couple of people to put it back on? How's that workin' for ya?"

Well obviously it wasn't working very well at all. For one thing she actually woke up in

Transsexual, Transylvania, amidst a gathering of the locals (or "Transvestites").
"This can't be a good sign," she mused. "I'm not a character from Rocky Horror."
Upon hearing this, however, a nearby dancer's head exploded, the resulting shrapnel piercing a hole in the fourth wall. Through that hole, Hilda was able to make it back home, but her travels had changed her just enough that she was now comfortable with her self-image, and so lived evily happer somethingness ... uh, yeah.

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